i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
