meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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