ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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