I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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