Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
