We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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