ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize