Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
