we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
