Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize
