You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
