I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
