I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
