You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
