The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You're like the curious george of whores
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
