mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Randomize
