Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I checked into jail on foursquare
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
