I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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