its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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