I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
