3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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