Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
