the condom got lost in my hair
my vag is so smooth its legendary
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
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