Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
