Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
