Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
