I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
