I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
