Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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