I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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