Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
