The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
