my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
