I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
