"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
