First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
