My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
