I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
