We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
