If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
