Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize