She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
