I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
