I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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