How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
