I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
