I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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