Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
