I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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