Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize