i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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