you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
