Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
