Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
