I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
