grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
