I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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