The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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