That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
