that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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