There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
