I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize